Bad Memories...

I hate this date. I dread it the other 364 days of the year. I especially hate being in an area that I can't visit one of the crash sites. I told myself I wouldn't do this, but my mind decided it had to.

I used to live a short hour's drive (40 miles as the crow flies....but the roads wind) from the Flight 93 crash site. I spent a LOT of time out there. No matter the time of year, that strip mined field is always cold. And it speaks loudly. I usually went very late on September 11 for my own mind, after allowing the ceremonies and family visits to be complete. Now I can't do that.

I spent some time working in the Pentagon. Not often, and not a lot. But enough. It speaks. I will never forget my Chief. He was with me in Texas 3 days prior working on a special project. He was taking it up to the SIC on Thursday, September 13. He never made it. I can't believe I have seen the area he died in from both the inside and from the belt loop. It's haunting.

I have yet to visit Ground Zero. Opportunity just has not been there. For now, I am okay with that, though I will visit at some point.

Some out there are aware of not only feelings from that day, some know my own story. There are certain words, certain sounds, certain moments that send me into a bit of a panic. Those who know are the ones who've witnessed it. Last year they released some information from that day that shocked me, though it didn't need to be kept. All I can say is I'll never forget one of the most level-headed and goofy Lieutenants (now about to make Major) I have ever known start to turn grey and asking a why question in extremely colorful language....

I'll never forget actually denting the monitor and cracking the headband of my headphones when I threw them off my head while racing out to the outdoor break area to find my mission supervisor and officer while screaming to the analyst to get to my rack. I'll never forget calling all of my airmen back off of leave, except for the two who were either stranded in an airport while trying to fly home on schedule or stuck in downtown Manhattan and no longer had cell phone service. I'll never forget the relief when those two were finally able to get hold of the unit. I'll never forget seeing on particular word and knowing the world will never know. I'll never forget my normal 12-hour shift turning into a hellish 21-hours.

I will NEVER forget!