March 18th was a very difficult day for me. While it was supposed to be a happy and fun day, I received the most horrible news while I was preparing goodies for the evening. A dear friend's grandson, who was exactly one month older than my sweet boy, had been rushed to the hospital because he fell unconscious. Twenty minutes later came the word he died. I could no longer keep up with the happy things, including the baking. All I could do was cry. Bawl, really. And hold my wonderful child.
For whatever reason I've been hit with grief all over again tonight. I'm sitting here and just can't stop crying! It's been 4 months and just the thought of this very cute, very fun little boy not being with his parents now is just killing me.
Each night I thank God for another day with my perfect boy. I am well aware he is only on loan to me. I know I am so very blessed. I can't imagine life without him, nor do I want to. And my heart breaks for Johnny and Anna all over again....
![](<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/8946426@N04/5240439020/" title="DSCN0785 by LEF's Place, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5246/5240439020_d76df42753_m.jpg" width="240" height="180" alt="DSCN0785" /></a>)
7 comments:
It's truly my worst fear...and yes, a good old-fashioned bawl is totally in order in this case.
Hugs from here,
Corbie
I can't imagine anything worse than losing a child. My heart goes out to all of you.
There are so many nights when I sneak into bed with my kids just to know that they are safe. I totally understand. Hope you are feeling a little better today.
What a beautiful child. Thanks for sharing this story. It's always good to remember how fortunate we are to be able to have our children. Even during those bad days. Thanks for reminding me to appreciate my children more.
It is such a sad thing when any chiild dies, I am sorry for your friends loss! It shows just how important your friend is to you for you to share her grief with her.
If we could all just be a little more understanding of other's. She has a reat friend in you. I know it has been 4 months since I lost my last baby- I think it gets harder with each loss. You never forget.
Thanks for sharing the story.
Years ago now, two of our best friends from college delivered a very premature daughter. They had an older son, a healthy boy, but had struggled with so many miscarriages she had spent most of their marriage pregnant with only one child to show for it. For this particular pregnancy, she had spent weeks on hospital bed-rest before the delivery.
11 days later, they asked us to be with them in the hospital as they said goodbye to her. They had made the decision to let her go, since her medical problems were swiftly overwhelming her tiny body. I was a mess, my husband was worse, but her parents had found such peace--they were rocks.
We had them over for dinner a few weeks later, together with another couple who had been with them to say goodbye and who had also been struggling to have children. At dinner, the second couple announced that she had suffered a miscarriage and would need a D&C the following day.
At the time, Jerry and I had one child and may have had one on the way. It was so hard--we felt like we were flaunting our blessings in the face of such hardship.
A few weeks later, another friend's full-term baby strangled on her umbillical chord just days before delivery. I did a lot of weeping.
I think a lot of what you're feeling is probably a type of survivor guilt. When you are so closely connected to people who experience such tragedy, the very blessings you've always enjoyed suddenly seem like ill-gotten gains. Why should I be happy while so many others are sad?
What brings me the most peace is remembering that my challenges are specially tailored to fit the growth I need--as are everyone else's. My challenges often seem daunting to me, but I'm equal to them. All of my friends have recovered, enjoy their blessings more, and have found joy in other children. Though they mourn their losses as we all do, they each have an enviable strength of character.
And remembering what they've gone through always destroys my pity parties. (Dang it.)
Shalise, you are sooo right. Each one does get harder! I'm just thankful I never had to do the D&C for mine...
I will say that while the one D&C I had obviously saved my life, I'll be happy to never have one again. Believe me, I know exactly how blessed I am to have my one baby! He's the only one I CAN have, the only one I will ever have (adoption aside). One ambulance ride and emergency surgery is enough for me! So, for once, I'll actually listen to medical advice and not take chances.
Thanks, everyone. :)
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